i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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