Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
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