Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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