My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
