I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
