pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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