I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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