i think i have two assholes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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