i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
