dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
