The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
