I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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