i just made my gag reflex go away.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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