I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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