shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
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I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
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I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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