he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
