Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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