i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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