I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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