That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
