Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
