i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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