He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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