I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
