how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
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i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
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Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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