So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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