I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
