my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
