Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
