time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
