ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
