i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
