I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
