eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
