wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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