My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
