if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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