I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
