just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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