From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
