haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
