Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Randomize
