i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
