Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
