Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
