Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
