from now on my penis is your penis
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
