they need to just BURY HIM!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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