Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
