just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
