dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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