The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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