you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
