K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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