so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
