My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
