My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
