How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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