i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you traded sex for a burrito?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
