just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
