I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
