I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
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Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
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Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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